


Some Days

by Curupia



Series: Broken Arrow - Alec Lightwood: A Study in Agony [6]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood-centric, Alec doesn't know how to fix this, Angst, Don't say I didn't warn you, Heavy Angst, M/M, Post-Break Up, Post-War, Relationship Struggles, This is not Happy, all the hurt none of the comfort, back together, broken malec, figuring it out, sometimes love isn't enough, together but alone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 14:00:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11784645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Curupia/pseuds/Curupia
Summary: He thought things would be better.After the fighting and the bloodshed, after the tough decisions and the mistakes made. He thought it would all get better. Bones heal stronger after a break; metal must be tempered by fire before becoming a sword.Things should have been better.And they were.Sometimes.





	Some Days

**Author's Note:**

> So, I apparently can't stop hurting Alec this week. I'm sorry. Obviously I'm not taking this Malec break/break-up very well, but I'm turning all my sadness into creative energy so, that's positive, I guess...?  
> Anyway, this work is possibly the last in my series of Alec Lightwood agony, but also possibly not. We'll have to see. Please let me know if you liked it, if you hated it, if I need to tag other things, if you cried - especially if you cried. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!!

He thought things would be better.

After the fighting and the bloodshed, after the tough decisions and the mistakes made. He thought it would all get better. Bones heal stronger after a break; metal must be tempered by fire before becoming a sword. Things should have been better. 

And they were.

 _Sometimes_. 

On some days, Alec would wake up next to Magnus, wrapped in his strong embrace, the scent of cologne and bedsheets enveloping them both. Mumbled good mornings and soft smiles lit by rays of too bright morning sun sneaking its way through the heavy curtains. And he would think, _you are perfect._

Some days they would come together after a long day at work and just talk, taking comfort in each other's company, listening to each other's complaints, offering solutions and unending support. Their bodies fitting together, hands finding hands, pressed close on the couch. Just like the days before the war. Back when they were whole and undamaged. Back before… _everything_. Magnus would kiss his cheek and he would play with the rings on Magnus's long fingers and think, _we can get back there. We're almost there._

Some days, he would make Magnus laugh, unintentional, - full bodied, head thrown back, uncontrollably laugh - and Alec would think _you're the most beautiful man I ever seen_ and he would kiss Magnus until the playful giggles turned to desperate gasps and think _I never want this to end._

But other days…

Other days started off with waking to an empty bed, or worse, waking to a Magnus that would avoid eye contact and dress in silence. That would check his emails and appointment schedule without a second glance at Alec. A Magnus that no longer made two cups of coffee in the morning because he knew his sleepy shadowhunter needed his caffeine. A Magnus that undressed in the bathroom before his morning shower, instead of putting on a playful strip tease, the consequences of which neither of them ever had the time for, but had never let it stop them. A Magnus that could have been completely alone in his home for all the attention he paid Alec. 

Other days Alec would try to hold a conversation with his boyfriend only to be met with short, clipped responses. He would try different topics one by one until he'd run out and they'd be left in uncomfortable silence. Sometimes Magnus would put a record on before Alec even had a chance to try talking, other times he would just start making a potion, his concentration fixed solely on the task at hand, never sparing a wayward glance toward Alec. Alec would falter and linger awkwardly before settling into some mindless task thinking, _should I just leave?_

Other days he found himself wishing for an emergency. For the institute to call, or a client to stop by. Nothing life threatening, just something important enough to break up this tense, awkward time spent in each other's presence but not together. He hated himself for it, but in those times he couldn't help but think _what's the point?_

He couldn't read Magnus anymore; couldn't tell if the sarcastic remarks were playful or meant to cut as deep as they did. He'd started second-guessing himself again, unsure and hesitant to say what was on his mind, to be himself around the one person in his life who'd ever made him feel like he could. He slowly started to put back up all of the walls that Magnus had torn down, unconsciously responding to Magnus doing the exact same thing. Every silence was filled with distressed and anxious thoughts - what had he done this time? Was Magnus angry at him or something at work? Was he ignoring Alec or just busy? Was he annoyed that Alec had to work late, or relieved? Did he want Alec to leave? 

He didn't know how to bring any of this up to Magnus. He didn't want to break this _thing_ between them that was still fragile and healing and possibly already too broken to repair. He didn't want to create problems where there were none, not if it was all in his head. He was too afraid of another fight to bring it up when it was happening, and too afraid of ruining one of their precious few good days to bring it up when it wasn't happening. 

He wanted to go back to how things used to be. When it felt like he could handle anything as long as Magnus was by his side. When they were a team not just two people who used to be in love. He still loved Magnus, with everything he had, and he knew Magnus loved him too, but he wasn't sure it was enough anymore. Wasn't sure Magnus was _in_ love with him anymore. And the difference felt monumental. 

A tiny, but annoyingly insistent, part of him sometimes wonders why they're even doing this, why _he's_ even doing this. There are some moments when he's so sure that Magnus doesn't want to be with him anymore that he almost has to stop himself from throwing his hands up and saying to hell with it. Just waking out right then and there because if Magnus doesn't want him then he doesn't want to keep wasting time trying to fix something that can never be fixed. He doesn't want to keep trying if Magnus doesn't want them to get better. He doesn't want to keep hurting Magnus. 

And he doesn't want Magnus to keep hurting him.

He knows he doesn't have a right to get angry, this was all his fault to behind with. So he bites his tongue, curves his actions around what Magnus wants. They used to move around each other like a dance - partners with individual steps, combining to create something fluid and unquestionably intertwined. Now he fumbles for footing in a dance he doesn't know, one Magnus isn't willing to teach him. Some days it doesn't even seem like they're in the same genre. Days where Magnus seems to leave the room every time Alec walks in. When eye contact and physical contact seem like a distant memory, when he doesn't know if he's allowed to reach out anymore, doesn't know if Magnus is his to comfort anymore, or if he even could. 

He knows he's asked Magnus for too much over the course of their relationship, so he is meticulous in making sure not to ask for anything anymore. He's always been independent, but now his independence feels like a wedge pushing them further apart and he doesn't know how to find the place between needy and autonomous. He does his best not to talk about work, but he's a soldier and a leader - his entire life has been about work and he's never learned how to have interests outside of shadowhunting. He was starting to learn with Magnus, but there had still be a part of him that found training, rather than bubble baths, relaxing, that turned to archery when he needed to clear his head instead of a nice glass of wine, that found books on history and strategy as riveting as any tv show Magnus had introduced him to. Magnus had always been understanding, always let him have his space without judgement or resentment. Now though, Magnus rolled his eyes at the mention of sparring, made snide comments about the validity and bias of his reading materials. Alec wasn't even sure if Magnus knew he was doing it, but the insults were often enough and scathing enough that gradually Alec stopped mentioning work altogether, stopped talking about what he was reading, stopped reading. But it left them in a weird place when it came to conversations. Alec didn't know how to include Magnus in his life without talking about those things. He was a shadowhunter and nothing could change that.

He didn't wanto change it, he liked being a shadowhunter. He just liked being _Magnus's_ shadowhunter more. 

But he _wasn't_ Magnus's shadowhunter anymore. Gradually, day by day, Magnus was making that point perfectly clear.

And some days…

Some days, he didn't feel like he was Magnus's _anything_ anymore. 

 


End file.
